Update

I'm at home tonight and my baby boy is still in the hospital. I feel so utterly empty inside. It's like someone has my heart in their hand and they are squeezing it over and over again. I can't even explain how bad it hurts knowing I can't just go in the next room and see him. I am going to attempt to work a half day tomorrow, but I am not sure I will make it. If he does bad tonight I am not going in, but I really thought I should try. Ok, heartbreaking story time.

Ever since Kayden was born I have waited and waited for him to say mama. There is just something about the first time a child calls you mom that is so special and I couldn't wait until he said it. I have tried over and over to get him to do it but he just won't. There have been a few times when he has muttered something close to mama, but he has never really actually said it ...that is, until today. Every couple of hours the nurses have to come in and give him a breathing treatment to open his lungs, but before they do that they stick a tube down his nose and into his throat to suction out the junk. I have to leave the room because one I have a very weak stomach for those types of things and two I cannot stand to hear him cry and be in pain. I truely breaks my heart. The last time they suctioned him out I stayed close enough to where I could hear him and as I left the room and they laid him on the bed to start he very clearly cried out for me "MA MA, MA MA" and I just broke down in tears. He wanted me to help him, he was calling for me to come back because he knows when I leave the room they are going to have to do it again and he hates it.

Sometimes in life we get caught up in things and we forget what is really important. I think this has really taught me a lesson that it doesn't matter what you have, or how nice of things you have, or any of that crap. All I want is for my baby to be home and my husband to be home and for everyone to be healthy and running around the house playing. I would do anything for that.

Nick has been so wonderful. He is definitely the strong one when it comes to this stuff. He has been without sleep for a week now and he is tired but he pretends he's not, not because he is Mr. tough guy, but because he doesn't want me to worry and he wants to take care of it all. I don't know where I would be in my life had I never met Nick. He is my backbone and I depend so much on him. Sometimes I don't tell him enough how much I love him and how much I notice all of the things he does. I must be the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like him.

I really hope this is over soon.